www.trollingforjobs.com
~Cover Letters from Hell~
-- On Wed, 1/12/11, sandawg wrote:
From: sandawg
Subject: Litigation Associate
To: *******@********.com
Date: Wednesday, January 12, 2011, 4:15 PM
Dear Hiring Partner,
I am pleased to inform you that I meet all of the requirements found in your employment ad. I'm pretty sure, anyways.
I graduated from a top tier law school. Actually, when I graduated from University of San Diego School of Law, it was at the top of the second tier, but I just checked the law school rankings today and it is now in the first tier, according to a reliable online source. So, technically, I pass that one.
You asked for a "strong academic record." That's pretty vague, but I think I've solved the riddle: considering you are dividing law school graduates into "strong" and "not", it is reasonable to assume that those who graduated in the top-half of their law school class would be designated as having "strong" academic records, while those in the bottom-half would be the weak ones. I graduated in the top-half, therefore, I am "strong." That's all you need to know.
I also have experience working for a "large law firm." I assume when you say "large," you are referring to egos, not number of attorneys. There were only seven attorneys at my last firm, but their egos were very, very large. They liked to refer to themselves as "super lawyers" because they paid to subscribe to some service. What a joke. Know what I tell my clients when I am opposed by an AV-rated firm? I tell them, "This is guaranteed to settle. AV-rated lawyers are pussies."
What attracts me to your ad is that you want a top-level associate, but you don't want an AV-rated pussy. I can respect that.
I've attached a copy of my resume. Please ignore the #700562 at the top. The last job I applied to required I put that at the top and I haven't had a chance to change it back to say "Associate Attorney". Just pretend it says "Associate Attorney" where it says #700562.
I look forward to meeting you during my interview this Friday at 1:00 p.m. Thank you!
Very truly yours,
sandawg
From: sandawg
Subject: Insurance Defense Attorney
To: ******@****services.com
Date: Wednesday, January 12, 2011, 3:37 PM
Dear Hiring Partner,
The open job sure sounds exciting. I especially like the part about "full benefits." I have a couple of questions I hope you don't mind answering in a reply email or during our interview this Friday afternoon.
Will I only be defending insurance companies against bad people trying to scam my clients out of their hard-earned profits? It would bother my conscience if good people lost their benefits because I'm so talented. If that's the case, I might as well become a prosecutor so I can put innocent people in jail. Know what I'm saying?
Also, if I get sick or injured, will the insurance company providing my benefits hire a lawyer to deny my benefits to me? What happens when the insurance company that denies my benefits is also my client? Would I have to argue against my own benefits? My head hurts just thinking about these things. Then again, I may just be dehydrated.
Please find my resume attached. As you can see, I included Job #700562 on it as you requested. Because I
revised my resume just for you, I hope this at least buys me an interview at which point I will expect answers to my above questions.
At your convenience, please confirm my interview this Friday at 1:00 p.m. I look forward to working with you.
Very truly yours,
[sandawg]
"Full Benefits"
w/ commercial insurance coverage background; minimum 5 years active exp. Full benefits.
Salary commensurate w/experience.
Resumé must include Job #700562. EOE
E-mail ******@****services.com - No calls
"Portable Biz"
Defense firm seeks 5+yrs E/L Attorney w/ portable biz for LAX office. Ext exp working directly w/ clients & overseeing all aspects of case mgmt. Will take depos, handle mediations & litigate trials. Email: Employment@*********.com
--- On Sat, 5/28/11, [sandawg] wrote:
From: sandawg
Subject: E/L ATTORNEY w/ BK of BIZ
To: Employment@*********.com Date: Saturday, May 28, 2011, 10:31 AM
Hola,
I am THE attorney you are looking for, or as you put it, "E/L Attorney." Very clever. You have to be clever to decipher your employment ad, as well; it is cryptic, to say the least.
Let's take the first sentence, for example: "Defense firm seeks 5+yrs E/L Attorney w/ portable biz for LAX
office." In English, I interpret that to read, "Defense firm offering five-year (plus) contract to THE Attorney who can carry his business in a RELAXING atmosphere."
I have to admit, that is one of the strangest employment ads I have read in a long time, but I am intrigued
nonetheless. I am partial to lax atmospheres, and I know how to carry my business. Sometimes people refer to me as "The Man," but never "El Attorney." I'm sure I could get used to it. I bet you people speak a lot of Spanglish up there in L.A. with all the Mexicans. Maybe that's why your ad is so funny.
Anyways, I attached my resume and I hope I hear from you muy rapido (very fast).
Very truly yours,
sandawg
--- On Tue, 5/31/11, **** Employment Opportunity <employment@**********.com> wrote:
From: **** Employment Opportunity <employment@**********.com>
Subject: RE: E/L ATTORNEY w/ BK of BIZ
To: sandawg
Date: Tuesday, May 31, 2011, 2:23 PM
Hi, sandawg:
Sorry for the confusion -- we are actually looking for an Employment & Labor attorney. Please feel free to visit our website for more information on the position.
[website and contact info redacted]
--- On Tue, 5/31/11, 4:32 PM, [sandawg] wrote:
Dear Grace,
Thank you for explaining that to me, I'm a little embarrassed. What is the difference between Employment and Labor law? They sound like the same thing. I was thinking that Employment law was for jobs that white people do, like lawyers or doctors, and that Labor law was for hard work that minorities do, like digging ditches. But when I filed a claim against my last employer, I filed it with the Labor Board, not the Employment Board, so there goes that theory.
Then I started thinking Labor law must be law related to pregnant women, like when the doctor pulls the baby out upside-down. My brother was born upside-down, and if my parents could sue that doctor, believe me, they would. He's been nothing but trouble, that kid.
Unfortunately, I don't have any experience with Employment law. I do have a little bit of experience with Labor law, however. I got a couple of my ex-girlfriends pregnant, but I'm pretty sure they had the abortions like I told them to. I didn't really hang around too long after that, so I guess its possible one of them spent the abortion money on shoes or cigarettes or something.
I am actually very interested in applying for the Labor law position. I think it would much more rewarding to represent an emotionally damaged, yet fertile, female who just lost her baby, rather than represent some spoiled, rich, white guy who just lost his job and probably deserved to be fired anyway.
Please don't tell the partners I didn't know what Labor law was at first. I also revised my resume to better highlight my vast Labor law experience. You will find it attached. Thanks, Grace, I promise I won't forget this after I'm hired.
Very truly yours,
[sandawg]
--- On Mon, 4/18/11, [sandawg] wrote:
From: [sandawg]
Subject: Associate Position
To: j********@****law.com
Date: Monday, April 18, 2011, 10:17 PM
[I had no idea whether the person I was writing to was male or female]
Dear Mrs. *********,
I received your letter dated April 4, 2011, wherein you explained that (1) your firm is "in the process of making an offer to another candidate," and (2) you will keep my resume on file and contact me should your "needs change."
I said it was YOUR letter because although Mr. Smith allegedly signed it, I can tell that it was a stamped signature. Since your initials are included underneath the stamp, I just decided to forgo an explanation and simply comment that it was YOUR letter. I only mention this to demonstrate my attention to detail, which was apparently overlooked the first time you read my resume. Did Mr. Smith even read my resume, or do you READ everything for him, too?
When YOU wrote me the letter, Mrs. ********, you said you were "in the process of making an offer to another candidate." That was two weeks ago, so my first question is how did that process work out? Did the candidate accept what I'm sure was a most generous offer? If so, is he working out? Has his personality quirks surfaced yet? Because you know they will and I bet the office bitch already hates him. Listen, I'm easy. I get along with everyone. If this new guy is starting to get annoying, fire him now before he sexually harasses someone.
Even if he's working out, you said your needs might change. That was two weeks ago. Have they changed? I'm still available. The good news is that I revised my resume and made it even more awesome. Its attached. Please give it to Mr. Smith to review. I know he's soooo busy he doesn't even have time to sign the letters you write for him, but if there is any way you can force him to read it, I'd really appreciate it. I will definitely remember this when I'm hired and you need a favor. I'm good for it, I swear.
I look forward to hearing from either you or Mr. Smith. I just ask that you don't call me pretending to be Mr. Smith. I can live with a stamped signature, but that would be just too weird. I hope you can understand.
Very truly yours,
[sandawg]
[In response to rejection letter sent via U.S. Mail, my email application is dated 02-19-11]
"Stamped Signature"
"Ink Signature"
[I don’t have the original employment ad for this one, because by the end of January 2011, for me, the line between trying to be clever and trying to be a troll was somewhat blurred . . . ]
--- On Wed, 1/26/11, [sandawg] wrote:
From: [sandawg]
Subject: Associate Attorney
To: ******@**********.com
Date: Wednesday, January 26, 2011, 11:50 AM
Dear Hiring Partner,
During my last interview, I was asked my opinion of the "perfect job." I responded that the perfect job allows me to (a) wear the cap of a crusader, (b) pay back my student loans, and (c) have a good work/life balance. I have to admit I bombed that interview, but I stand by my answer.
Your employment ad is very appealing and I hope the qualifications on my attached resume have earned me the opportunity for an interview. I look forward to hearing from you.
Very truly yours,
[sandawg]
--- On Wed, 1/26/11, Angela ****** <******@******.com wrote:
From: Angela ****** <******@******.com
Subject: RE: Associate Attorney
To: [sandawg]
Date: Wednesday, January 26, 2011, 6:20 PM
[sandawg]:
Thank you for your response. I will distribute your resume accordingly.
Sincerely,
Angela M. ******
Legal Assistant to **********
[Stuffy Law Firm]
A Professional Corporation
Sacramento, CA 95814
From: [sandawg]
Subject: Associate Attorney
To: ******@**********.com
Date: Monday, April 18, 2011, 11:49 PM
[in response to rejection letter via U.S. Mail dated 02-23-11]
Dear Ms. Angela,
First, I would like to thank you for actually forwarding my resume, as promised (see your email [above]). That is very impressive. You know, on the Coast, people tend to say that, but they really just throw the resumes in the garbage.
But I actually got a rejection letter from a partner, Mrs. Miller herself! Not only that, but she signed it herself in ink! I know this because I always wet my finger and smear the signature. If you ever need an expert witness to confirm whether Mrs. Miller signs her letters herself with real ink, I would be happy to testify for a reasonable fee (and travel expenses, of course).
I'm also wondering if the new associate is working out. Office politics, amirite? I know how to play them, however, because I have watched every single episode of Survivor since the second season. I'll tell you my secret if you promise to give my revised two-page resume to Mrs. Miller. I know you are good for your word, after all, you forwarded my first, crappy, one-page resume just like you said you would.
OK, here is my secret: be nice to everyone except the office bitch. Once I figure out who the office bitch is, I just start trash talking her to everyone. Pretty soon, everyone loves me and I get promoted to partner. That's the plan, anyways.
So please promise to distribute my NEW, REVISED, TWO-PAGE, KILLER resume and I should be hopefully expecting a call for an interview very soon.
Thanks so much (I won't forget this),
[sandawg]
"Capital Letters"
REAL ESTATE LEASING LAWYER FOR WEST LA FIRM 5 YRS EXP COMMERCIAL LEASING
EMAIL RESUME CAREERS***2011@GMAIL.COM
--- On Fri, 1/7/11, [sandawg] wrote:
From: [sandawg]
Subject: REAL ESTATE LEASING LAWYER
To: CAREERS***2011@GMAIL.COM
Date: Friday, January 7, 2011, 10:50 AM
DEAR HIRING PARTNER,
I LOVE THE FACT THAT YOU USED CAPITAL LETTERS THROUGHOUT
YOUR EMPLOYMENT AD! IN FACT, THE ONLY CRITICISM I HAVE
IS THAT YOU DID NOT USE ENOUGH EXCLAMATION POINTS! I
BELIEVE AN EXCLAMATION POINT REALLY DRIVES THE MESSAGE
HOME! CAN YOU FEEL MY EXCITEMENT?!
LISTEN! I AM CURRENTLY NEGOTIATING A COMMERCIAL LEASE
FOR MY CLIENT SO I AM APTLY QUALIFIED! I JUST GOT MY
CLIENT 8 FREE MONTHS OF RENT UNTIL THEIR LIQUOR LICENSE IS
TRANSFERRED! WE'RE STILL NEGOTIATING! ALL OF MY
CLIENT'S ASSETS ARE SITTING IN A MOVING TRUCK AS I TYPE
THIS! THEY ASKED FOR A BULLDOG, THEY GOT A BULLDOG!
REGARDING OUR INTERVIEW, I SHOULD WARN YOU NOW THAT I AM
KIND OF A LOUD TALKER! I'M A LITTLE HARD OF HEARING SO
I TEND TO SHOUT! THEN ONE DAY SOMEONE SUGGESTED I TYPE
IN CAPITAL LETTERS TO MIMIC MYSELF SHOUTING! I THOUGHT
THAT WAS SUCH A GOOD IDEA THAT I'VE BEEN TYPING IN CAPITAL
LETTERS EVER SINCE! THAT WAS FIFTEEN YEARS AGO!
HOW IS WEST L.A.? I CAN'T SAY I'VE EVER BEEN
THERE! IS IT SAFE FOR EARTHQUAKES? I PROMISED MY
MOTHER I WOULDN'T ACCEPT A JOB IN L.A. UNLESS IT HAS A GREAT
EARTHQUAKE CONTINGENCY PLAN!
MY RESUME IS ATTACHED AND I LOOK FORWARD TO OUR INTERVIEW
TOGETHER!
VERY TRULY YOURS,
[SANDAWG]
–[no response]--
"Mature Attorney"
Small Northern California firm seeks mature attorney for client contact, research & writing, court appearances, motions. Position open until filled. Email resume and cover letter to: *****lawfirm@yahoo.com
--- On Mon, 12/20/10, sandawg wrote:
From: sandawg
Subject: Litigation Attorney
To: *******lawfirm@yahoo.com
Date: Monday, December 20, 2010, 1:38 PM
Dear Hiring Partner,
I can't tell you how relieved I was to see you are looking for a "mature" attorney. I am very mature. In fact, the only people who have called me immature recently are my ex-girlfriends, but they're dumb. They aren't even attorneys!
When you take me out to dinner to celebrate something totally awesome I just did, you will notice that (a) I do not talk with my mouth full, (b) I don't eat with my elbows on the table, and most importantly, (c) I keep my napkin ON MY LAP. I can also distinguish between salad and dinner forks. You won't catch me eating MY salad with a dinner fork!
Not only that, but when you take me golfing, I will wear a SHIRT! This is a true testament to my maturity because when I was younger I refused to wear a shirt when golfing (farmer's tan (ewwwwww)).
Lastly, I have NPR programmed as a favorite radio station in my car. I don't normally listen to it (booooring), but when I have a fellow mature passenger, I turn on NPR to show I am equally mature. After a few seconds I say, "Oh, yeah, I've heard about that," and then I change the station to classic rock.
I hope this convinces you. I have attached a copy of my resume as further proof of my maturity. I am available for an interview at your convenience. Telephonic interviews are free, of course. My rate for an in-person interview is a very reasonable $200, payable immediately in CASH ONLY (I had to close my bank account due to immature creditors). I look forward to hearing from you, except between 10 and 11 a.m., when Drew Carey is hosting 'The Price is Right.'
Very truly yours,
sandawg
© 2011 www.trollingforjobs.com
All Rights Reserved.
Skip to:
"Cat Hater"
Workers’ Comp. Defense Firm seeks aggressive experienced attorneys for Sacramento location.
Email careers@****law.com
--- On Tue, 12/28/10, sandawg wrote:
From: sandawg
Subject: Workers' Comp Defense Firm
To: careers@****law.com
Date: Tuesday, December 28, 2010, 3:57 PM
Dear Hiring Partner,
I am pleased to inform you that I am a very aggressive attorney who is ideally suited to work for your firm. In fact, I aspire to deny fat, lazy people their Communist entitlements like Workers' Comp. Last I checked, America was not taken over by the Soviet Union.
I have a feeling that denying people their Workers' Comp benefits will be more satisfying than strangling kittens (I hate cats).
If I have a client who is liable for a Workers' Comp claim, know what I'd do? I'd tell them to close shop and open up under a different name! Aggressive enough for you? Thought so.
I am available for an interview at your earliest convenience. Telephonic interviews are free provided you call between 11 a.m. and 3 a.m. Formal interviews are a very reasonable $200 plus travel expenses for me and my dog. Unlike myself, her bark is worse than her bite.
My salary requirements are also very reasonable. I only require a minimum salary of $200,000 per year, health benefits, 401K, office with North or South-facing windows, a prime parking space, and season tickets for the Sacramento Kings.
Also, please send me pictures of your paralegals in case there are any issues. Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you.
Very truly yours,
sandawg
"Motivated Winner"
Entry level litigation attorney for growing insurance defense/ business litigation firm in La Jolla. Graduate top of class. Must be a motivated winner.
Resumes to ******@**********.com
--- On Wed, 12/29/10, sandawg wrote:
From: sandawg
Subject: Associate
To: ******@**********.com
Date: Wednesday, December 29, 2010, 1:03 PM
Dear Mr. ******,
I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that while you seek "Graduate top of class [sic]," all of the top law school graduates are professors by now. I'm sure you recall the old adage: "A-students become professors, B-students become judges, and C-students make all the money."
The GOOD news is that I was a solid C-student and will therefore make you tons of money denying people their insurance benefits!
I can't tell you how motivated I am to find loopholes denying coverage! This could be very rewarding in a sadomasochistic kind of way.
As you can see, I am an out-of-the-box thinker. I can think of a million ways to deny someone insurance. Just try me out with a hypothetical during a free telephonic interview. Once you are convinced I am the motivated winner you have been looking for, we can have lunch on your dime. I know a place that serves the best baby octopus cocktail, right on the beach. I look forward to hearing from you!
Very truly yours,
sandawg
"Palin for President"
The Los Angeles office of ******* & ********* LLP, a leading national law firm, is seeking an Associate with at least 2 years of worker's compensation experience. The ideal candidate will have a commitment to exceptional client service, top quality written work product, strong academic credentials and an interest and willingness to participate in business development efforts. Please submit your resume and cover letter in confidence to: Jennifer ********, Regional Office Manager
email: **********@********law.com. Only candidates contacted for an interview will receive a response. ******* & ********* LLP is an Affirmative Action EEO Employer.
[Notice her first name is Jennifer . . .]
--- On Wed, 12/29/10, sandawg wrote:
From: sandawg
Subject: Associate
To: **********@********law.com
Date: Wednesday, December 29, 2010, 12:22 PM
Dear Mr. ********,
Long have I aspired to deny people compensation for their work injuries! While this may be a dark hour for conservative capitalists, I stand perched high upon a promontory, holding a bright light, and will charge down into the valley with sword drawn to protect my clients' due process rights from the California Constitution, that Communist manifesto that compensates stupid people for injuring themselves on the job!!!
Anyone who gets injured on the job is negligent, amirite? You fell off a ladder? Negligent. Cut your finger on a sharp knife? Negligent. Slipped and fell? Don't you watch where you are going? Negligent.
These people don't stand a chance against an aggressive, motivated, conservative attorney like me. I firmly believe that when Sarah Palin is elected President in 2012, she will help return this country to the 19th century before there was this atrocity we call Workers' Comp.
Perhaps we can start with a telephonic interview before you send someone down to San Diego to interview me formally. There is a nice little restaurant near my apartment that lets you bring your dog inside. My dog loves their burgers! They don't season them and cook them medium-rare, just how she likes them! I think on Sundays there is a Great Dane convention so we should probably plan on a weekday.
I look forward to hearing from you!
Very truly yours,
sandawg
"Too Good to Be True" Friday, December 31, 2010 11:56 AM
Dear Mr. Siegel,
I am pleased to announce that I accept your offer and can begin work immediately! Of course, I am referring to your offer in the Daily Journal which I have reprinted below for your convenience:
I understand your offer is conditional, i.e., to accept the offer one must be a strong worker and writer. At some point in my life, I have been called both of those!
I would like to request an office with either North or South facing windows. If none is available, my second choice is an office with no West or East facing windows. This saves money on blinds!
I'm not sure what it is exactly I'll be doing, but as long as it pays $150,000 a year, plus health benefits, I'm in. Is it too late to negotiate Lakers tickets? I will not accept Clippers tickets under any circumstances.
I have to admit, this was the easiest job I have ever applied for. For four months now I have been applying to jobs without receiving a single callback for an interview. Then today I log on, New Year's Eve of all days, and an offer to join your firm is staring me right in the face! I'm pinching myself, this is too good to be true.
I'll start looking for an apartment immediately. Is it too much to ask to begin my new employment with a paid vacation? I need time to move in and let my dog adjust to her new surroundings. She's 13-years old and gets quite upset when we move. If I don't spend a good week or two with her while she adjusts, she is liable to piss all over my new apartment. I hope you understand.
I look forward to working with you!
Very truly yours,
sandawg
THE TOP VALLEY FIRM
• Great Opportunity at large AV rated office
• 2 plus year litigation or coverage
• Join us, but only if strong worker & writer.
Fax resume, (805) ***-****
| ||||
"AV-rated"
CIVIL LITIGATION ATTORNEY
[Arrogant & Pretentious], a Law Corporation, an established 25 year old AV rated law firm in Redding, CA [sic]. [We are] a civil litigation based firm representing clients in both California State and Federal courts. For further information please see our website [redacted].
Arrogant & Pretentious seeks an associate attorney with a minimum of 3 years experience in civil litigation who is team oriented, motivated and committed to career advancement. Strong academic credentials, excellent writing and communication skills are required. Salary negotiable based on experience and qualifications. Send resume, writing sample and list of references to Hiring Principal, Arrogant & Pretentious, Redding, CA. 96099 or e-mail to ****@****law.com.
From: sandawg
Subject: Civil Litigation Attorney
To: ****************law.com
Date: Friday, December 31, 2010, 11:16 AM
Dear Hiring Partner,
I want you to know that I only apply to AV-rated law firms because they are the best! The last law firm I worked for was AV-rated. Although my boss was an enormous jackass (OPINION), he loved to brag about how he was a "SuperLawyer" to his clients before he began yelling at, and condescending to, them. My other boss, also an AV-rated "SuperLawyer" was so disgustingly dirty that computer techs wear gloves when working on his computer. And although their Christmas parties were insanely boring, I hear they are pretty good lawyers. I wouldn't know, I avoided both of them like the plague when I worked there.
My point is, once you work for an AV-rated firm, its difficult to settle for less, amirite?
Listen. Those jerks at [Asshole & Dirtyboy] didn't lay me off because I'm a bad lawyer or anything. They got rid of me because I didn't want to hang out at womens college basketball games with them. Seriously, who wants to watch womens basketball with their boss? Personally, I'd rather just play Modern Warfare on my X-Box (by the way, I'm about to ding Prestige Level 5 in Black Ops).
I have a dog. My former bosses got mad that I would use my lunch break to walk my dog. Apparently they let their dogs shit and piss in their homes. Or maybe they are so rich they can afford to install doggy-doors. Must be nice to be an AV-rated lawyer.
Anyways, I hope my impecable grammer and brutal honesty convince you that I will make a nice addition to your collection of SuperLawyers. By the way, I always give fellow attorneys the worst AV rating possible. There's no point in being a SuperLawyer if everyone else is too, amirite?
I'll tell you what. I'll give you a free telephonic interview so you can explore my intellectual capacity further. If you like what you hear, you can fly me and my dog up there for a formal interview. She's a 13-year old black lab, very sweet. She was trained in Italian before she became deaf due to chronic ear infections. Her name is Bella, but, since she can't hear me, her name now is just a wagging finger.
I look forward to hearing from you!
Very truly yours,
sandawg
"Happy Endings"
ASSOCIATE ATTORNEY (LITIGATION)
Due to our continued success and performance as a "best in class" firm, we are looking for an experienced Associate Attorney to join our Gardena, California office. We are a national law firm focusing in product liability defense, commercial and intellectual property litigation, toxic exposure and a variety of other complex litigation matters.
The ideal candidate will possess a minimum of 5-7 years of experience in product liability defense litigation with case management and deposition experience. Candidates should have a desire for courtroom exposure and high levels of responsibility in a diverse and fast paced working environment. Strong academic accomplishments, advanced legal research and writing skills, and your ability to grasp technical information are a must.
Forward resume with cover letter to ********@******.com.
--- On Mon, 1/3/11, sandawg wrote:
From: sandawg
Subject: Associate Attorney (Litigation)
To: *******@************.com
Date: Monday, January 3, 2011, 12:34 PM
Dear Mr. **********,
Your firm really sounds like its an exciting place to work. I have defended some of the biggest scumbags on earth, so defending toxic polluters wouldn't even phase me. When I'm hired, remind me to tell you about my client who took too many liberties with his girlfriend while she was sleeping. Don't worry, all my stories have happy endings.
Please don't be concerned with my lack of experience. Give me an hour on Wikipedia, and I'll be an expert on anything you want. I'm very resourceful that way. Did you know, for example, that there are generally three types of toxic entities? Chemical, biological and physical! Did you know that biological toxicity can be difficult to measure because the "threshold dose" may be a single organism? And that's just from twenty seconds of research, imagine what I could do in an hour! A year! Twenty years!
The problem with most employers is that they limit their pool of applicants by only seeking people jaded from years of experience. Do you have any idea how far the "I have no idea what I'm doing" line has gotten me? So far, in fact, that eight years later I'm still using it.
The only other issue I think we need to address is whether your location is able to sustain major earthquake damage. If "The Big One" hits Los Angeles, what are the percentages for surviving your building? How many floors does the building have? What floor are you on? I believe all buildings in Southern California should have a pole we can slide down in case of an earthquake. Stairs take too long and you can't use the elevator, so a pole is a perfect solution, in my opinion. I hope this adequately demonstrates that I am an out-of-the-box thinker.
I have lots of ideas, actually. Unfortunately, most of my ideas cost too much money to develop, won't make any money, or have already been invented. But that doesn't stop me from coming up with new ones every single day! I hope this demonstrates my motivation and determination, in addition to my ability to overcome adversity.
Lastly, I was hoping I could possibly borrow some money to get me through the interview process. A few thousand bucks would help. I've been unemployed for over four months now and money is getting a little tight. You can just write it off as an "interview fee." I hope this demonstrates my creativity and ingenuity.
Let's schedule an interview as soon as possible. The clock is ticking, John. The moment I hit "Send" I will be applying to another ideal job I find online. Don't think you're special.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Very truly yours,
sandawg
"#700562"
**********, LLP. seeks associate with one to three years litigation experience. Must have strong academic record from top tier law school and one to three years of litigation experience at large law firm.
Send resume to *******@********.com
"Out of Touch"
Commercial Litigation/Creditor Rights Attorney
Small, dynamic [?] Thousand Oaks law firm seeks 3-5 yr. atty. exp’d in creditor rights & bus lit in state/bankruptcy ct. New offices. Nice work env. Fax to ***-***-****
--- On Mon, 1/3/11, sandawg wrote:
From: sandawg
Subject: Commercial Litigation/Creditor Rights Attorney
To: ******@********.com
Date: Monday, January 3, 2011, 10:57 AM
Dear Ms. *******,
Please accept this email cover letter in lieu of a fax. I assure you I know how to read and I know that a fax is not the equivalent of an email, however, it is raining outside and I wanted to get my resume to the hiring partner as soon as possible.
Furthermore, I'm broke. I've been unemployed for four months now and it would cost me about two bucks to fax this.
I'm lazy when it comes to things I don't want to do. And I don't want to fax this. Email is so much faster and easier. I hear its the new big thing.
So if anyone there asks why I emailed instead of faxed my resume, you tell them: (1) it was raining (2) it is too expensive and (3) he's lazy. Let's move on, shall we?
Thank you for considering my attached resume! I'm sure you will find I am the ideal candidate for your prestigious law firm! I worked for two years in commercial collections which had crossover with creditors' rights and bankruptcy law.
Just last year I won a preliminary injunction freezing a whole bunch of stock. I thought of, researched and wrote the motion myself which was a case of first impression. I would be happy to provide you a writing sample (via email) at your request.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Very truly yours,
sandawg
"Awfully Fast Rejection"
Do you want to live in San Diego?
Medium-sized downtown San Diego AV-rated law firm seeks a motivated 4-12 yr real estate associate with exp in purchase and sales, financing, and leasing. Fax resume to: Administrator at 619-***-**** or email:
--- On Wed, 2/23/11, sandawg wrote:
From: sandawg
Subject: Real Estate Associate
To: gpyle@****law.com
Date: Wednesday, February 23, 2011, 11:21 AM
Dear Hiring Partner,
I currently live in San Diego and the ability to remain here is very important to me. I went to law school in San Diego where I took Real Estate Finance with Professor Raushenbaum.
I am available for an interview at your earliest convenience and look forward to hearing from you. I can provide writing samples, references, and a law school transcript at your request.
Very truly yours,
sandawg
--- On Wed, 2/23/11, Linda Lemming <*****@****law.com wrote:
From: Linda Lemming <*****@****law.com
Subject: On behalf of Gomer Pyle
To: sandawg
Date: Wednesday, February 23, 2011, 11:40 AM
[There was no text in the email itself, only a rejection letter attached as separate Word document]:
February 23, 2011
Dear Mr. Sandawg:
Thank you for your recent letter inquiring about an associate position at Arrogant & Pretentious, LLP. I am sorry that we are not able to pursue employment discussions with you at this time. We appreciate your interest in our firm and wish you every success in the future.
Very truly yours,
Gomer Pyle
Office Administrator
Arrogant & Pretentious, LLP
--- On Thu, 2/24/11, sandawg wrote:
From: sandawg
Subject: Re: On behalf of Gomer Pyle
To: "Linda Lemming" <*****@****law.com
Date: Thursday, February 24, 2011, 11:10 AM
Linda,
Thank you for your quick response. That was an awfully fast rejection. Did you even call Professor Rashenbaum? I saw him like a year ago walking around the Coronado Shores condominium complex. I'm pretty sure he's still alive and he tells great stories. He told this one story about the Prudential building in Chicago, it was really funny.
My point is that you are looking for someone who wants to live in San Diego. That's what your ad says. I already live in San Diego, so you will save relocation expenses, although I'm not opposed to a modest signing bonus.
Also, I'm a man. That will save lots of money on sexual harassment lawsuits.
I must admit, Linda, I'm a little concerned about the fact that you sent me a rejection letter attached as a Word document. My computer only supports WordPerfect, but was fortunately able to translate the letter. Otherwise, I may have panicked and thought it contained the date and time for an interview.
What is the purpose exactly in attaching the rejection letter as a separate document? Is it to look more professional? I've received perfumed rejection letters with ink signatures in the mail before. How can an attached Word document compare to a perfumed letter? It can't, Linda. It simply can't.
I understand the firm may want to save the expense of buying perfume to spray on all those rejection letters, but if that is the case I will suggest that you simply cut-and-paste your words of rejection into the body of the email itself, saving everyone a step.
Are you sure Mr. Pyle doesn't want to hire me? There is so much I can teach you both! Please reconsider. I won't charge you for an interview.
Very truly yours,
sandawg
"Dog Discrimination"
Real Estate/Business Litigation
Immediate opportunity. Must have strong communication and trial skills, exp managing clients & caseload. Strong academic credentials. Partner level comp and benefits, short partnership track & significant referral fees for client development. Email: resumes@****law.com
-----Original Message-----
From: sandawg
Sent: Thursday, February 17, 2011 11:00 AM
To: Resumes
Subject: Real Estate/Business Litigation
Dear Hiring Partner,
Love the ad. Please sign me up. Resume attached.
Very truly yours,
sandawg
--- On Wed, 2/23/11, Anne ****** wrote:
From: Anne ********
Subject: RE: Real Estate/Business Litigation
To: sandawg
Date: Wednesday, February 23, 2011, 1:00 PM
Thank you for your recent interest in our firm. Unfortunately, your experience and background do not meet our expectations for the position available with our firm.
Good luck with your search.
Sincerely,
Anne *******, Office Administrator
Arrogant & Pretentious, a PLC
900 Rottingham, 4th Floor
Santa Ana, CA 92707
anne@arrogantandpretentious.com
--- On Wed, 2/23/11, sandawg wrote:
From: sandawg
Subject: RE: Real Estate/Business Litigation
To: anne@arrogantandpretentious.com
Date: Wednesday, February 23, 2011, 1:45 PM
My background? Are you referring to my Sicilian-American heritage, my age, or the fact that I own a 13-year-old labrador? I really hope this isn't dog discrimination.
sandawg
